08 Oct 2015
I turned 18 on this day.
18-There is a lot of hue and cry about this certain age, out there!They say it is a huge thing to turn 18, you become an adult.You become older, more mature, smarter and legally acceptable!
But how is one supposed to feel all of that overnight. I was 17 a few hours back, considered myself a kid , allowed my self great amounts of tomfoolery and didn’t care about a lot of stuff.
18 is here and I don’t feel it in my bones.
I cannot feel more responsible or any more individualistic. So much of a child still resides in me that when I see an 8 year old being fed by her mom , I feel jealous.
Another kid being pulled along and pampered – I feel envious.
A 6 year old wanting to pull a bag twice her size and fighting for the same with her brother – makes me feel nostalgic.
I was all that and more. I am still all of that.
But I guess people slowly do grow. They grow not by calendar pages and clockwork , but by a steady diet of societal influence.
Age is not a number , it is the effect of the exposure and experience of life. It comes only with circumstances that need you to act , react and feel by yourself. These few months in the hostel, and i have started to realize so much of the world that lies plotting, planning and twitching to leave its mark on you. I can feel the old, dependent me drifting away – I can almost see it in my head. I know the difference , the change that has overcome my demeanor and attitude.
I haven’t formed an opinion on this though. Not yet. I don’t understand if being so independent and self supportive is a good thing. I was happy hiding behind my parents and if people are happy with the right stuff , that should have been the right thing. I question myself everyday on the righteousness of all I do ? I question my self everyday about the person I am evolving into.
I want to be the right person . I want to know that 5 years later I am who I see myself to be . I want to walk down this road and take all those turns I would want to , not what the world wants me to take.
As I wonder about these life changing moments and contemplate on philosophical , imaginary ideas in life – the time keeps going.I change. It runs.I follow it with empty palms. It would not stop.I do no accept defeat.
It makes a dash for the finish line. Only there is no such thing. Behind closed eyes , I dream of butterflies.